welcome to the point of no return

I haven't been myself for quite sometime now..
I haven't even been honest to myself, and to those people who know me..

It seems to me that I have lost myself. I've lost track of my life, maybe I just didn't care. I'm currently adopting the laissez-faire approach to life.. If only life can be thrown away easily, then maybe I won't even have this dilemma of mine right now...

I've taken time away from it already. But since yesterday its been bothering me. Now suddenly all of these questions pertaining to this person arise, and still there are more questions just waiting to be formulated. Questions do give rise to many more questions..

Its eating me right now.. Myself actually. Here I am, a breathing body torn between two souls. And little by little my sanity slips away from my hands, no matter how much I try to hold on. It has been quite some time now, since this happened. I am once again drifting away from this reality, and onto my own sick, sad little world. A pitch black darkness. I once found myself seeking answers and refuge in this place. It was definitely wrong, but I insisted. Somehow I found comfort, but I never found clarity. The answers promised to me were not there. It was just me and myself. Myself which has now sprung out from its dormancy and has been asserting itself over me. The "me" part is bit by bit growing tired of suffering in silence. Images surface, payback, revenge, bitterness. But the "me" has been resilient enough not to give in to "myself"... That last tiny bit of hope is still there, a hope that I have been clinging on for such a long time. Half a year IS a long time. Very long if you ask me..

This single-minded, stubborn and viciously loyal devotion to an individual, how is it formed? How does someone put up for someone who doesn't even give an effing damn to their existence? How long can anyone suffer in silence? Does living in sadness eventually bring clarity? Is there any clear cut criteria or basis to know if you really do love yourself? To those who tell me to love myself, how do you know that you love yourselves? Do I not love myself enough? How do you know when you are loving yourself or that you are becoming selfish? How do you know when you have done enough? When does the sacrifice end?

What do you do when the craziest of all your crazy dreams come true? What if the reality you live in exceeds your expectations? Does anyone here have an idea where I would start looking for my answers? Maybe I'm a little too close. Maybe I'm missing something.. I am THIS close to throwing away myself. I am THIS close to being hopeless. I don't want to lose any part of me, most of all my sanity.. I don't want to be like Nietsche. I don't want to be crazy.

I am afraid. Afraid that what I would do anytime right now may cause my downfall. I am sad. Sad that I could not muster up the right words to say, even if I got a whole lifetime to figure it out. I am anxious. Anxious that I may figure out what the answers are, but it will all be too late.

I think it out over and over again, but I still draw out blanks. I think about it till my head hurts, but I still draw blanks. I think until I couldn't sleep anymore because its already morning and the sun is out, and still I draw blanks.

I've been here before. The same situation. The same, exact person. All but way too different circumstances. It feels like I am new to this. It always seems to be the case. Why? Didn't I learn something from what happened before?

I don't want to beg. I don't want to look like some fool trying to get back illusions of the past. I just wanted a second chance.. Maybe its too much to beg for a second chance. But I don't care.. Heck, I didn't even care all of my life..

I'm stuck with too many questions, and too little answers.
And again, here I am..
Welcome to the point of no return..