Thursday, November 30, 2006

welcome to the point of no return

I haven't been myself for quite sometime now..
I haven't even been honest to myself, and to those people who know me..

It seems to me that I have lost myself. I've lost track of my life, maybe I just didn't care. I'm currently adopting the laissez-faire approach to life.. If only life can be thrown away easily, then maybe I won't even have this dilemma of mine right now...

I've taken time away from it already. But since yesterday its been bothering me. Now suddenly all of these questions pertaining to this person arise, and still there are more questions just waiting to be formulated. Questions do give rise to many more questions..

Its eating me right now.. Myself actually. Here I am, a breathing body torn between two souls. And little by little my sanity slips away from my hands, no matter how much I try to hold on. It has been quite some time now, since this happened. I am once again drifting away from this reality, and onto my own sick, sad little world. A pitch black darkness. I once found myself seeking answers and refuge in this place. It was definitely wrong, but I insisted. Somehow I found comfort, but I never found clarity. The answers promised to me were not there. It was just me and myself. Myself which has now sprung out from its dormancy and has been asserting itself over me. The "me" part is bit by bit growing tired of suffering in silence. Images surface, payback, revenge, bitterness. But the "me" has been resilient enough not to give in to "myself"... That last tiny bit of hope is still there, a hope that I have been clinging on for such a long time. Half a year IS a long time. Very long if you ask me..

This single-minded, stubborn and viciously loyal devotion to an individual, how is it formed? How does someone put up for someone who doesn't even give an effing damn to their existence? How long can anyone suffer in silence? Does living in sadness eventually bring clarity? Is there any clear cut criteria or basis to know if you really do love yourself? To those who tell me to love myself, how do you know that you love yourselves? Do I not love myself enough? How do you know when you are loving yourself or that you are becoming selfish? How do you know when you have done enough? When does the sacrifice end?

What do you do when the craziest of all your crazy dreams come true? What if the reality you live in exceeds your expectations? Does anyone here have an idea where I would start looking for my answers? Maybe I'm a little too close. Maybe I'm missing something.. I am THIS close to throwing away myself. I am THIS close to being hopeless. I don't want to lose any part of me, most of all my sanity.. I don't want to be like Nietsche. I don't want to be crazy.

I am afraid. Afraid that what I would do anytime right now may cause my downfall. I am sad. Sad that I could not muster up the right words to say, even if I got a whole lifetime to figure it out. I am anxious. Anxious that I may figure out what the answers are, but it will all be too late.

I think it out over and over again, but I still draw out blanks. I think about it till my head hurts, but I still draw blanks. I think until I couldn't sleep anymore because its already morning and the sun is out, and still I draw blanks.

I've been here before. The same situation. The same, exact person. All but way too different circumstances. It feels like I am new to this. It always seems to be the case. Why? Didn't I learn something from what happened before?

I don't want to beg. I don't want to look like some fool trying to get back illusions of the past. I just wanted a second chance.. Maybe its too much to beg for a second chance. But I don't care.. Heck, I didn't even care all of my life..

I'm stuck with too many questions, and too little answers.
And again, here I am..
Welcome to the point of no return..

Thursday, November 23, 2006


Dang panget nung font ng aking huling post.. haha sabi ng beshie ko magblog daw ako. Ayan ginagawa ko na. Masaya ka na ba? hahahaha!!!

Marami akong gustong basahin, tulad ng socio at psych book namin, pero di pa ako nakakabili e!! hahahaha!!!

eto ang araw ko..
Thursday: Nov.23, 2006
- woke up at 7am, at wala nang tao sa bahay at napakakalat nito dahil sa mga kapatid ko
- nood ng Breakfast on Studio 23 sandali, guest nila si Ria Baustista ng Paramita (na tutugtog sa skul sa Dec.5 sa MOrg LivE!)
- tapos kain ng almusal, 2 chiken sandwits, 2 clover at isang tomi
- nanood ng Monk, season 4 na ako (shet matatapos na ito! ayoko pa!!!) alam ko namang may susunod na seasons pa to pero wa pang kopya e... ang ganda na nya super dramatic na... haha must see show ito!
- dumating si yaya at naglaba at naglinis
- sa Frio Mixx kumain ng lunch kasi andun ang beshie ko na nagpagupit (at napansin ko sya agad!!! good for me!)
- umuwi sa bahay at gumawa ng psych case study
- dinaanan ang suit na pina dry clean
- pumunta sa court upang maglaro ngunit di nakalaro T_T

haaay ayan ang araw ko same same lang. Pero enjoy ang walang pasok! hahahaha!!!
dapat ang gawin ninyong sked 3 days na lang din!!! hahahaha!!!

ayan ok na to, sa susunod kong post malamang December na!!! yehey!! >.<

Wednesday, November 22, 2006

Happy feet!

Yes I have watched already the movie they call Happy Feet which features penguins, penguins and more penguins!! Plus your usual variety of antarctic seals and whales. Kind of like the movie Eight Below, but without the Siberian Huskies.

Its a great film. Its just that there's something wrong with it. Not sure where it is, can't put a finger on it.

Kiko Machine has once again found its way back into my player.

My head is throbbing, I am in need of sleep, which my dear school does not permit its students to do. So sad.

Jagged Alliance 2 is an old game, but it is still so good. Yeah.

My cellphone is back! Though I cannot use my mem card.. Long story but it is frustrating me thoroughly. I need a new phone!!!!! Really!!!!

Beshie, I'm really sorry for what happened.. Yeah so whats new? Well what is new is that I will be doing changes come next year. Its on top of my New Year's resolutions.. Be a better bestfriend. ^_^

NO school for me! hahaha!!! I love my 3 day week.

Friday, November 17, 2006

With fortitude I will overcome all adversity, and with a smile in my face I shall gently fade away from the summer night...

That was a long title.. Anyway, I'm really bothered by this feeling I have when I was on the bus going home.. Funny thing is, it isn't the negative bothering feeling you get when something is amiss. Yes I still have my problems to address. Yes I do have a lot of compromises to make. But believe me after this one I'm not going to be the same person anymore. I'll be... Someone better, not something different. I'm gonna make damn sure that I get everything that I want, and I know how to get it.

The 2nd semester's opening week gave me this ray of light thing you have in the movies, like, you know you have stepped on the right direction for the first time. I know its just a step, but its a start. A great start if I may add.

Wow, I feel so good about myself that I can kill the president right now and get away with it. hahahaha!!!!

So there, like a triumphant blowing of horns and trumpets, complete with the star-studded entourage I proclaim the start of the Takeover (ala Gilbert Arenas), an attitude I have set for myself to accomplish all that I want to do. haha!!!

Okay so I'm a little overboard with that one, but still, I'm really excited and ecstatic about this new found hope of mine. I'm gonna nail this one this time. I promise.

in other news....

A few days ago I had a little chat with Kate, who seems to have become my shrink. Well, she's a Psych major so no complaints about that. Yes Kate, SHE is embedded upon my subconscious. No I do not want to exorcise her from myself. I'd rather get her back. I'm gonna get her back, mark my words on that....

Christmas season will soon begin, and Manila has experienced chilly mornings as of yesterday. It is that time of the year to give out gifts and letters to 2 very important women (yes they are both 18 already and are worthy to be called as such, though it makes them a tad old..) in my life. Em gonna write to my two bestfriends, one of which has already discarded me and had me left for dead sometime in May. No I'm not angry at her, I never will be, maybe I'm just a little annoyed, things didn't go the way I imagined them to be. Have to set the record straight..

The other one, well, I've been a jerk to her for about half the time we have known each other, and its time to give back what she was bound for a long time now. I'm gonna make sure you are happy this Christmas.

I made a lot of promises today. Well, time to start doing them one at a time. Hopefully everything will go well. Peace y'all!!!!

Congratulations Martha Nicole V. Rabaino for getting her braces off a few days ago. I miss you!!

.... and as the last summer night dawns to a close, I close my eyes, reminisce and reflect on what I have done with my singular life. And I will surrender all of what I have done to the Lord Almighty, with it my life which has dutifully served its purpose here on Earth.
- Hymn of the Summer Hero

Wednesday, November 15, 2006


Now Playing: The Infatuation is Always There - Typecast

watta nawiwili ako sa typecast. tunog dashboard. pero noypi. buti naman. hahaha!!!

anyways, its a good week for me. I arranged my sked, (actually, its my beshie who arranged it for me) to only have 3 days of school. hay sarap maluwag ang linggo ko!!! hahaha!!!

i'm already feeling it right now.. the problem is I don't have a lot of stuff to do and I have a lot of free time in me. plus I got a raise in my allowance, which gives me an opportunity to save a lot of money for Christmas..

I'm really frustrated right now coz I don't have anything serious to rant or talk about. Well maybe I'm just lazy or I'm not in the mood.
A lot of people have been setting up blogs as well. Good for them. They actually realize that they are already in the year 2006. hahahaha!!!

I'd be dropping 1.0s this 2nd sem. Mark my words my name will appear on top of that f*^%ing list!! MARK MY WORDS!!!!

so far so good. I should refrain from watching tv and using the pc too much. Its getting in my eyes. hahaha!!!!

A big shout out to the people who visit my blog. Thank you very much! ^_^


Sunday, November 12, 2006


ah nothing to do, nothing to say..

life's pretty boring right now.
hope all of you people are enjoying yourselves right now... not me...

hay nako wala akong maisulat!!! update lang!!!!
- lapit na pasukan
- may aayusin pa ako sa buhay ko
- sana maayos ang 2nd sem ko


Saturday, November 04, 2006

Naruto at Full Metal Alchemist

Eto ay isang magaang kasanayan lamang sa pagsusulat..

Well, wala naman akong ginagawa ngayong mga araw na patapos na ang sembreak. Sa Nov.14 pa ang pasok ko. Which means mga 1 buwan ng pasok tapos Xmas break na!!! wahoooo!!! di na ako makapaghintay para sa susunod na bakasyon!!! ^_^

Bakit ba ganito yung pangalan ng blog? eh kasi 2 na ang japanese anime na kinaaaliwan ko. May kapartner na yung Naruto ko. Isang dvd ng complete Full Metal Alchemist. Nung una noong pinapalabas pa sya sa GMA di ko nagustuhan kasi di ko naumpisahan. Tama nga yung hinala ko maganda sya pag naumpisahan mo!!! haha!!! at ang ganda pa nung oav nya. Kaya bibili ako ng Full Metal Alchemist the Movie kasi andun yung ending talaga nung series. Hahaha!!!

Pupunta raw Divi ang nanay ko bago mag pasko kaya balak kong sumama upang bumili ng mga shorts na panlakad at tsinelas at mga dvd.
Eto pa ang mga anime na balak kong mabili sa Divi:
- complete Hunter x Hunter
- Chrono Crusade
- Yakitate Japan!
- pinakarecent na ep. ng Naruto (syempre di mawawala yan)

ayan nakakawili kasi silang panoorin. Bakit ba puro GMA tong mga anime na to? hahaha!!! kasi nga we are anime sila... hahahaha!!!

sana naman maisipan na ng mga gumagawa ng tv series ng Naruto na ituloy na yung kwento sa tv. nakakainis na kasing maghintay. hahahaha!!!

Di ko pa napapanood yung Monk tv series na pinahiram sa akin ng beshie ko. Pero natapos ko na yung mga libro ni Mareng Agatha Christie (3 days) at Pareng Paulo Coelho (2 days). Astig si Agatha Christie magsulat ng mystery novels. Complete at flawless ang execution. Kaya pala sya nagustuhan ni beshie ko. At ngayon si Hercule Poirot na ang paborito kong detective.

Si Neil Gaiman naman ang susunod kong titirahin. Matalino magsulat si Neil Gaiman. Nakabasa na ako ng Sandman (salamat ulit sa beshie ko) at natuwa ako sa kanya. Sa kanya ko natutunan yung myopic reflex e. (tanong nyo na lang sa mga batang taga nursing o med)

Ayan lang. Masarap pa rin magbasketbol. Masaya na rin magtext maganda na keypad ng cell ko e.


err sa mga gusto ng ringtone ng naruto o full metal, pakisabi lang sa akin send ko sa mga email nyo. hahahaha!!!

gusto ko nang matutong magdrowing ng transmutation circle.. matagal na akong marunong mag seals e. ^_^

Thursday, November 02, 2006

Undas and other things

OK so everyone probably enjoyed november 1..
I beg to differ.
Dang my most lovable pair of slippers got broken!!! argh so bad!!! I had to walk back to my house to get a fresh pair.. But really, its a pain to walk the muddy streets of the cemetery with so much people and so much water!!! argh!!! it was like, penance or something.. Just plain bad luck I guess.

The mausoleum owned by our family was high, but the way in front of it was flooded ankle deep, so we needed a makeshift bridge to cross. Anyway, it was rather boring since we didn't visit the other people becuase it was a hassle to walk with such dirty streets. Haha!!!

My little sister somehow inherited my bad luck because her rubber shoes' sole got detached. We were all laughing about it and hence, my mother dearest asked me to buy a pair of slippers. Then it came to me, who would buy slippers in the cemetery?! Luckily, my cousin and I were successful in locating a store which sells slippers.

I ended my day texting my beshie all night. I want to go to a private cemetery. I want to see the yellowcab and sbarro booths. hahaha!!!

i'm gonna buy myself a new pair of slippers. Maybe the And1 flipflops will do. For now. They're cheap.

Dang I got an INC in my Math!!! Puta!!!! T_T