because it is a midnight and i am hungry

i've got this feeling in my head right now. i can't point a finger on it, but then, it's a feeling that compels me to do something. something like contemplate, which i don't actually do a whole lot. or even read a book. just do something, my head tells me. but what it is, i do not know. i this an effect of the end of the year fast approaching? or maybe it was the combination of coke and gatorade that has put my head into this state of being.

somehow today has been the climax of me feeling really, really old (maybe mature, but i don't really think i deserve to be called as such) these past few days. my younger sister is almost rebellious right now. something i did not think would happen, but it did. so here i am, watching, talking to her. i don't want to see my sister cut herself or something. i think that's a total bummer. or maybe i just hate the fact that people mutilate themselves due to emotional distress. really pointless. i hope i can pull this off. heck, i am growing old, i'm even starting to become the man in the house. of course next to my dad.

when i was a tad little younger i didn't think i'd be in this situation, growing up to be a man (haha, i am still apprehensive in typing this, but i have to let this go.

or else it's gonna explode in my face.

i've always liked to be depended on, i've always wanted to help. somehow growing up, i get tasked these responsibilities, chores or whatever. then i watch the other people grow together with me. i've seen my folks grow, i've seen my friends grow, i've seen my sisters grow and i have seen myself grow, amongst others. somehow i have probably reached that part in my life wherein it is me who shall take on the reins and direct my life to where i want it to go. slowly, but definitely, independence has been given to me. then that point would come, where i am my own boss in my life.

somehow i'll have to be able to accept the changes happening in my life right now. my sisters need me. my family needs me. and maybe someone else out there needs me. i'm thrust into this scenario where i to tell myself that i am no longer a child. not that i'll be growing up into some ridiculous, pessimistic monster, but i'd rather not lose the optimism in me that keeps me going. it may make others happy, and seeing others happy makes for a smiling me. (haha) looks like i'll be graduating from my teens sooner than i thought. my goodness. and i thought i was going to go through that twen-teen syndrome a lot of people have.

someday i'll go through all these things which i wrote. the dreaded blog archives. haha. then i'll get a better picture of me. growing up.

i'd pick growing up, rather than growing old.
i hate the word "old". reminds me of a very sad dream i had. peace.