It's been a year. Ambilis. Tama nga hinala ko, lilipas na lang ang panahon na walang mangyayari. Hehe, wala rin naman akong pwedeng gawin e. All I can do now is watch, and wait. I hate waiting. It only wastes time. But life gives us things we can't rush. Ika nga nila, you don't jump unto the water if you don't know how to swim.
Ewan.
Yun na siguro ang pinakamainam na salita para sa akin ngayon. Ewan. Wala na akong alam. Nawiwindang na nga siguro ako. Di rin ako sigurado run. Ang lakas ng ulan. Hehe..
Wala na yung mga araw na hindi natatapos nang hindi ako napapaluhod sa sahig sa kakaiyak. Yung mga araw na pinipilit kong palipasin para dumating na yung panahong magiging maayos din ang lahat.. Mukhang na-writer's block yata ako. Di ako makapagsulat. Bakit kaya? Hehe. Alam nyo kasi, nakakapagsulat lang ako kapag malungkot ako o kaya pag masaya ako. Di na ako nag-iisip kasi pag nagsusulat. Kusa na lang syang umaagos, mula sa ulo, pababa sa mga braso ko, papunta sa kamay at lalabas sa daliri ko at sasalin sa kung ano mang ipinansusulat ko ngayon. Pero kakaiba tong ginagawa ko ngayon. Di naman sa di ako nagsusulat, pero nagtatype ako ngayon. Haha..
O di ba ang kyut ko magsulat? May nalalaman pa akong agos agos. Haha.. Lumabas na pala yung yearbook namin nung HS. Yung iba sobrang excited kinuha na nila agad yung sa kanila. Ano kaya nakasulat sa akin dun? Yun malamang ang nasa isip ng mga kumukuha ng yearbook nila ng hayskul. Para sa akin lang yun ah. Ewan ko lang sa ibang mga tao...
Masaya ako ngayon. Totoo yun.
It's not happiness that I wish, but peace of mind. One thing I learned watching Gundam Wing is that, in order to fight, you must have a reason for it. Whether it is to uphold your ideals, or protect someone you love, you do not go into a fight without reason, because you'd only die a dog's death. There will be days where I know where I'm going, and there were days where I don't. Its not that I can't make up my mind, its just that, in some way, reasons do not give enough initiative for you to make your move. Did I run out of reasons to continue? I don't know. Maybe reason wasn't enough to get myself moving to do something about it.. Or maybe I'm just stumped because I won't do anything, or CANNOT do anything. Anyhow, it all boils down to waiting. And more waiting. And some more waiting..
I envy old people. There are those who wake up every morning and tell themselves that they love their lives. Where the only thing they wait for is their date of death. Where everytime they think about their life, they find nothing else to wish for other than letting God take care of the people they love once they leave..
To love and be loved. I believe that the feeling of being loved by someone you love can be partially compared to living a fulfilled life. You get these happy mornings. You tend to like waking up and seeing the sun shine over your groggy face. And before going out of your bed, you tend to thank God because you were so happy that day. You do everything with a smile, you're more energetic, and if you're like me, you tend to love God more because of that.
I usually hide things to myself. And I don't usually open up to people. It takes a lot to get me out of my shell and let me talk. But then again, there are people who you meet who actually do a good job at making me talk. There was this one instance when I was talking to someone, and there I was, talking and talking and talking. The other end of the phone line was actually silent, which prompted the back of my head to think whether that person was actually listening or not. I asked if there was something wrong because of the silence.. She just said, "go on, keep talking, I just wanted to hear your voice..". At that exact moment I felt my heart drop to my stomach, which up to now is a mystery to me why it happened.
One year. Twelve months. Fifty-two weeks. Three hundred and sixty five days. Eight thousand and seven hundred sixty hours.
It's quite a long time. Enough time to keep myself pre occupied and happy with other people. Not enough time to find the answer though. An answer. Maybe that's what has been keeping me from finding peace of mind.. I don't like the idea of closure, but its the best thing I wish I had right now.
One sided love. Yup, it is painful.
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