Roses

Hindsight is 20/20. 

Eight years after it ended, I still can't wrap my mind around what happened. Was I just being used? Were we caught up in a moment of shared togetherness, when everything just clicked and fell into their own right place?

Back then, what we had was in a word, fragile. It was in essence, a moment. Or a series of moments. Blips in time where everything was perfect. But before we even had a chance to savor it, as with every moment in life, it came and went away unexpectedly.

Here I am now, sitting down, trying to search for memories or clues that would try to help me figure out what happened, or just try and trace back all the little events that led to the crumbling of whatever "relationship" we had. Unfortunately, I'm drawing blanks.

I hate loose ends. I hope we get to talk about it soon. But I'd wager against it. She's apparently leaving the country in a few months, further reducing our chances to meet and talk.

Maybe next time, but I'm not hoping.

If hindsight is indeed 20/20, why can't I see everything clearly while looking back?

Jerk Days

i was supposed to have a fun and exciting weekend. APMC-Palarong Med was the UAAP of medical schools, and i was stoked to be participating in it. this marks the first time that i represented my school in athletic events. it was really fun, and i guess i had too much of it because i forgot to text my girlfriend the whole day of Sunday. that was really a jerk move in my part. that ruined her day and well, my day as well.


i am still angry at myself for it. i really have this sickness of forgetting things when a lot  happens too fast. i should change this habit of mine. i've been piling up a lot of these "jerk days" in my girlfriend's mind. maybe i'm too involved at what i do. i should balance all of this. because of this i am having bad days again. my girlfriend doesn't want to talk to me at all and it's pretty much been a hard time for me. too bad i spoiled a lot of good stories to tell her. i should really get it together next time. i should know how to slow down.

Valentines

i still don't know how to correctly spell Valentines. Some of them have the apostrophe, thus written as Valentine's, in memoriam to a certain priest who believed in love and was then canonized as a saint.


i'm feeling good today. but my body hurts. my day got the early start at around 5:30am. went jogging with the folks. they have started to jog around every Sunday and this was the first time i cam with them. glad to see them leading healthier lives thru exercise. though dad still won't quit smoking, and i don't really blame him.


running around the public cemetery was fun. the clouds were there to delay the onset of sunshine, and the morning winds were cool and crisp. after running we decided to play badminton at the local court. my sisters tagged along and it became a family event. suddenly we did a lot of stuff together today, and it was totally fun. couple that with the fact that me and my girlfriend went out on saturday and that gives me a really, really good weekend. 


actually, i have a lot to be thankful for this week. i'm almost there, trying to finish 1st year medicine on a high note, and the final push that i have been waiting to mount on my grades. we just finished a set of exams this week, and not only did i pass all of them, but got rather high grades.


it's victories like these that do my soul so much good. it inspires me and allows me to realize that much of my hard work does not go to waste. and it also makes me like our subjects more. just keep pushing. my girlfriend always said to me that "motivation gets you started, but discipline is what gets you there". she always says the best things.


i hope to finish this year on a high note. i also wish that everyone enjoys their lives right now, and enjoy the days. man, i am so euphoric right now.


so lighten up, be happy and keep pushing. Happy Valentines Day.
oh, almost forgot, this makes post no. 200 for me. goodie!

This and That

i haven't blogged in a while, for reasons which include:
a) too much NBA 2K10
b) school activities and school stuff
c) the absence of my mood to write something


there are days when i was too lazy to do anything online. i wouldn't post anything on twitter and tumblr, no new pictures at multiply and no one to chat away with.


everybody else looks like they're too busy to be disturbed. while i do away the time with watching tv series, studying and doing extracurriculars. i should be guilty of cyberslacking. i am also guilty of having too many commitments which have put various strains on my relationship with my girlfriend. there are days when i wished that medical school would stop being so demanding already. or maybe it should be me who would try and give up some of the things i enjoyed doing at school. i don't really know for sure. maybe i should just aspire for more understanding in our relationship. we both know this is one tough test, and i wish that we would be resilient enough to withstand the trials and injustices (damn schedule of mine) the path i have chosen has given me.


i stand by the maxim "if you don't have the time, make the time" but my belief towards it is being put into the test. i should take concrete steps to improve the conditions for the two of us. i know that i could cut the fat out. maybe that's what i should do.


so that's how i have been since last night. or in some nights for the past few weeks. nothing drastic happening though. i just know and believe that we (Mae and I) will be able to pull through four years of this together. if i need to invoke Divine Intervention then i am fully prepared to do so.


moving on, i just received an email from Haloscan saying that they would discontinue the free commenting service and allow us existing users to import our accounts unto a new service which needs to have annual payments. i say fuck them all with their corporate money-making asses. there are many ways to generate revenue aside from directly putting prices on you products.


updates from the school side of things: 2 months to go and i will be wrapping up First Year medical school. i hope i would be able to do enough in the stretch run and get exemptions for physiology and community medicine. anatomy is still up there, but it is a long shot. i should pass psychiatry and biochemistry via a final exam. then i could pay attention to the summer leagues.


18 days from now the APMC-NCR sportsfest will be held in Pasig, and fortunately i qualified to get into the team. i hope we have fun playing the other schools from Manila. i wish we could win the whole thing. our team is stacked and i think it would come down to who wants it more.


the NBA All Star weekend is happening next week. so far my teams (Boston, Miami, OKC) are doing good. but i hope the Heat get some help in the off-season. they should resign Wade first before anything happens. i haven't been able to watch any live games, but it looks like Charlotte and Memphis will delight me if i get the chance to watch them on TV. i'm a sucker for great defenses, and the Bobcats under Larry Brown play one of the best perimeter D's in the league.


that's all for today. stay safe everyone!   

Something about working hard

when i first dove into medical school, i knew i had to work hard. harder than i've ever worked in my almost 15 years of schooling prior to this. the sheer volume of information being thrown at you is immensely daunting and tiring at the same time. a lot of adjustments had to be made: new school, new environment, new traditions, events, academic cultures, new challenges and new people to commune with. days in medical school were really long and dragging, with 4 hour lectures being the norm and extensions being considered normal procedure.

on top of that, mounting responsibilities at home and being away from my girlfriend. really nasty stuff. especially when you don't see each other for weeks primarily because I had four exams in the coming week.

this was the shit i had to put up with for the first few months. i was already ticked off that i couldn't get the lessons as quickly as others did. my big ego wasn't ready for much disappointment. there were times that academic failure and other problems mixed into a very deadly cocktail which was enough to break me down. somehow i needed to acknowledge my vulnerabilities. i needed to get my act together because medical school was not going to give me anything for free.

i needed to put it the work. i also needed a system that would provide me with the blueprint and motivation that i desperately wanted for me to make it through.

i started by opening my eyes a little bit. chopping up stuff, not really biting off too much, savoring the small victories like passing quizzes. from the start i knew i was in a disadvantage but i did not imagine the discrepancy to be really big. fortunately for me, that huge gap is constantly being closed upon by me every single day.

i put in the work, and trusted myself that i could make it though. whatever the ramifications of my work i would gratefully accept. success was hard to come by, but as the New Year turned, i somehow got it.

i got it. somewhat. passing medical school truly is hardwork and dedication. and it is almost always never enough. i needed to become a sponge. soak it in. learn as much as i could. things would turn out well. i trust that they do.

i just need to work on it.

i've got a bad feeling

at last! the aforementioned four exams are finished. as of airtime i only know that i have passed 1 exam.


this week has been a mixed bag for me. because of too much time being taken up by studying (i have not been able to make any advance readings in the neurosciences), it has taken a toll on all other things in my life.


an indicator i often use is the current relationship i am in. i really need to put time in it, considering the fact that me and my girlfriend are not really living in the same vicinity (21kms is a long way, mind you).


and every chance i get, i would have to take it. any missed chances may result into something more catastrophic. no matter how tired i may be after this week, i really need to see her this weekend. if i need to bring my study books then i will. the fact is i really need to see her. 


i hope she understands where i am right now. i also hope she will understand the major mind fuck that the glorious schedule makers have made for me. (god damn it final exams why do you have to be deep into the summer?) we really, really need to talk. we miss each other too much.


ika nga eh, kulang lang yan sa lambing.

just to get the sluggishness out of my system

exam week starts tomorrow. 4 days of exams. somehow i still feel that i am lacking reading materials for my exam. i still wish i can do great starting tomorrow. i am quietly trying to prove to myself that i can get things done and that there would always be time for everything.


so that would be all for now.